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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Father’s day is soon approaching, and will be on Sunday June 19th. I’ve decided that there just aren’t very many good gift ideas, so I did some research for some unusual gifts.

I know if my dad were still alive, he would be thrilled to receive any of the following gifts shown below (well, he might not like the stuffed unicorn). But hey! These are fun and wacky gifts to give dad to show your appreciation for all he does!

So, forget the usual “tie” gift, and check out these neat and nifty gifts!

Dad's dream chainsaw

Every dad needs a chainsaw (unless he lives in the desert)…..so, why not make it flashy and artistic!

 

My dad loved food….he was a happy jolly man with a big belly to prove it! If you have a lot of time, maybe bake dad this cute owl, and tiny owl babies to munch on. Yum!

Or, if your dad is a health freak, and he would rather eat raw fish, try making him some cute hello kitty sushi! Fun!

 

If dad is having a bad day, he might need to carry his flask with him….

Dad works hard at the office, I’m sure he could use a cute bear USB port and clock to cheer him up!

 

If dad is a beer drinker, he could really use a cute DJ kitty bottle opener!

 

Finally, I put the unicorn pillow as a possible gift, as well, just look at that silly face….it will put a smile on dad’s face for sure.

 

Please let me know what you plan to get your dad for father’s day, and remember…..he does NOT want a tie.

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The Website “Craigslist” is notorious for the “personal ads” and “sex hook-ups”, but did you know that there is much more to Craigslist than just smut?

photo from: eatliver.com

Oh yes! It is a mother-load of information, such as job postings, community, housing, discussion forums, of course personals, and on and on.

When you are bored and need a good laugh, well that is the site to go to. What? You ask. Well, these aren’t just any old “personals” or “ads”, no, these are the most hilarious and bizarre notices you will ever read!  Some of them are so weird, you will not believe what you are reading. Yes, it is THAT good.

A word of caution, this site is also known for scams, and there is ample information on their site about protecting yourself from getting duped. Basically, use common sense.

If you have never checked it out, here is the site: http://www.craigslist.org/about/sites

So here are a few postings I found to be extra funny….enjoy!


Insanely Aggressive, Territorial, Guard Duck, (Muscovy)

Hello.

This posting is about “MR. DUCKY.” When he was a chick, he was my favorite out of the entire flock. He was one of the few ducks that would gently nibble on my finger. He would always let me pet him and feed him spinach. Now he has become a horrible monster of a duck. His nibble has turned into a skin-tearing instrument, his feet have turned into painful, skin-piercing talons. Anything moving in the yard that is non-duck, he attacks. He attacks raccoons. He attacks dogs. He attacks cats. Now he even attacks full-grown humans, galloping around the yard with clipped wings like some sort of maniac. Sandals are out of the picture now, unless I want scabs on my feet. This was semi-tolerable for a while, but now he can inflict a fair amount of pain on my calf through my work jeans, and I can’t get anything done in my back yard. So this is my ad. If you want a duck that will scare/maim/fight any animal that might be threatening your flock, MR. DUCKY is the craziest damn duck I have ever seen in my entire life. He is only friendly with ducks. I don’t know about chickens, but he charges crows or other birds that land in the yard. He is a great guard duck. I have a newborn son that I want to have ten fingers growing up. $40 OBO, MR.DUCKY. Upon pickup, feel free to observe his behavior. He is one-of-a-kind.
Call: 253-[deleted] I live in Bremerton, will deliver.

Free stuffed walrus head

This walrus head has been in my family for years. I have never liked it. It was given to me by my father in his will. I’m sure it’s his idea of a way to get back at me for my alternative lifestyle that he never approved of. I’m going to throw this in the dumpster if I don’t get rid of it by the end of the week. I can’t even sleep with this thing in my house so I’ll be awake all night, feel free to give me a call at any time to let me know when you can come pick it up. CJ 435-[deleted]

Location: St George

Orange Popsicles

Okay, it’s Craigslist. One day you can have free fill dirt (you haul), the next day it’s tons of moving boxes all in good shape.

Well, today it’s orange popsicles (all in good shape, you haul).

A regular box of popsicles includes cherry (my favorite), grape (so-so) and orange. I don’t like the orange ones. I’m a grown-up and I don’t have to eat them if I don’t want to. On the other hand I can’t bring myself to throw them away and I don’t have children or grandchildren living in the area to give them to (assuming they would like them).

I currently have a bunch of orange popsicles in my freezer. If you want them,, let me know. If you are paranoid about them, you probably shouldn’t be looking for free things on Craigslist in the first place. However, keep in mind they are all “factory sealed” and whoever takes them probably isn’t going to end up on the 6:00 news because they were poisoned to death by orange popsicles.

Someone is going to want these things, so you better hurry. If things work out, maybe we could develop a “popsicles are ready for pickup” relationship whereby I send you an E-mail whenever the freezer overfloweth.

Keep in mind that a box of 24 popsicles costs about $4.50 and you are only getting 1/3 of a box…or in this case 1/3 of several boxes. The point is I don’t think you should consider driving from Estes Park for the orange popsicles. However, if you do and you are first, I will give them to you.

FAQ:

Q: Are the orange popsicles sugar free?
A: Do I SOUND like someone why buys sugar free popsicles? No, they aren’t.

Q. How many orange popsicles are currently available?
A. As of 3:15 on 1/27 I have 17 of them.

First person to respond gets all of them!

  • Location: Lafayette

Personal Assistant 1 hr/day 8am wanted

I want to get out of the house and workout everyday. I need help motivating my body to walk out the door. I need someone to come ring the doorbell and tell me to get out of the house to go for a run, hike, kayak or such.

It should only take a week of this to get me motivated enough to go on my own.

  • Location: Redmond

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We live way out in the “sticks”, and our decision to move to this area was for several reasons, the quiet solitude, the clean air (or at least it seems clean), and the wildlife. We used to live in a subdivision, where the homes were so close you could hear the neighbors argue. When we had a neighbor across the street who kept running into peoples yards, and vehicles, because she was high on drugs or alcohol….we had had enough of living in such close proximity to the neighbors.

So now we live in an “acreage” neighborhood, and the smallest lots are two acres. This gives you plenty of room to be loud, or walk around the back of the house in your underwear, etc. The freedom is limitless!

We also love the wildlife, there are herds of deer that live in “the neighborhood”, there are hawks, roadrunners….literally running around (love those), and rabbits. Of course there are other critters that we don’t care for so much, as they are pesky and mean.   I’m talking about possums, armadillos, coyotes, snakes, and raccoons.

I am going to elaborate on the raccoons, don’t let their cuteness fool you, they can be mean. They tend to come around looking for cat food, as many people here have food for their pets outside on the patio.

"Uh oh!"

Our garage is next to the master bedroom, and sometimes someone forgets to shut the garage door at night. Well the little critters love this, they are just like cats….curious and cant help themselves.

"If I don't move...you won't see me"

So, one morning, I’m awake, but laying in bed, and I hear some noises in the garage. I think to myself, “great”, what could that be? I better get up and check it out. I get up, put my robe on and my flip-flops and shuffle out to the garage. I open the side door, and look around. At first I don’t see anything because I’m looking down around the floor. Then I look up, and voila! The varmint is dangling from some rafters in the ceiling. I think to myself, “What are you doing you crazy raccoon?” And I laugh out-loud, as he looks at me with an expression of, “uh oh”.

When I was going out to the garage, I thought the critter would be on the floor, and I could easily “shoo” it away. But when I discovered it was hanging from the ceiling, I knew this would not be an easy task. Especially since he scampered up onto some shelves, this little guy didn’t want to go anywhere.

So, he utilizes the tactic of, “I can’t see you, therefore you can’t see me”. I’m laughing…as the raccoon is being as still as possible, like if he doesn’t move, I won’t see him.

"I can't see you....so you can't see me"

I decide that this is a job for the man of the house, and I go back into the house to wake him up, for this manly task. Besides, I know he will really enjoy getting the raccoon out of the garage….secretly, all men like doing these things.

Of course I grab the camera, as this is just too funny.

I explain to my husband that there is a raccoon wedged in between the shelves, and he should take care of getting it out. Of course I laugh and tell him first it was dangling from the roof (I still can’t figure out what he was trying to do or get to).

So, I didn’t want to be in the way, and when it was all over and the raccoon was gone, I asked my husband how he got it out. He used the broom to chase it down, and it did take awhile, as well, that raccoon just did not want to leave his cozy shelf.

It is always just a matter of time before we have another “critter episode”.  I have to admit, it makes living here interesting and exciting…. in fact, it sure beats finding your drunk neighbor stuck in your hedges.

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In the quest to be perfect and gorgeous, the beauty industry keeps pushing the envelope, by coming up with even more bizarre products for women to spend money on and “try” to achieve perfection.

 

 

The company, Allergan has discovered that the same formula that is in an eye drop that is used to treat glaucoma, has the side effect of providing long thick eyelashes.


To have these wonderful lush lashes will cost you $120 per month, or about $4 per day. And since women spend roughly $5 billion a year on mascara….this is the biggest thing in the beauty world since Botox!

 

What is the name of this wonderful new product? “Latisse.”

 

Here is a funny foreign advertisement  for  “fake lashes”:

 

What?  Eyes  have God????

 

 

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We are looking to replace the government of Egypt. Please submit your resume for this exciting opportunity to serve under the great leader Mubarak!

 

Required Skills:

    • Crowd control skills
    • Willing to be deceptive and lie
    • Not above corruption
    • Ability to swiftly say the word “yes” to any and all requests
    • Great negotiation skills
    • Experience handing tear gas launchers and guns
    • Most importantly, be able to restore order when there is total anarchy
  • There will be a personality evaluation for this position, we are looking for the desired attributes of a narcissist.

    You must comply to an extensive criminal background check (If you have a clean record, you will not be considered).

    Interviewees are recommended to come prepared for the interview by wearing running shoes and fire resistant clothing, just in case.

    • Location: Cairo, Egypt
    • Salary and compensation contingent on experience and brown nosing.
  • Principals only

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You may or may not know, awhile back I did a post about how my life was boring, and I needed an angsty boyfriend…to spice things up.

The obvious person to fill that role was Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, and I explained the reasons for this choice in that particular blog.

Well, the former drummer for NIN is Josh Freese. He works with all kinds of bands, I can’t even name all of them (I do know one is Devo). But anyway, I like to follow Josh on Twitter, http://twitter.com/joshfreese), as he has some really interesting and funny things to say, as he describes in his Bio, he is an “All around nut.”

I decided that he is really kind of nutty, as he posted pictures of himself driving to go get a vasectomy, and also post-op pictures of his recuperation.  That is really getting personal with “the whole world” if you ask me.  But, for whatever reason he does these things, you just don’t know what he will post next (so intriguing huh?).

Josh makes these bizarre short video clips about various things going on in his life, and I happen to find them quite entertaining. This is how I live my life vicariously, watching the strange things that other people do. Yeah, I know….don’t tell me.

Well, check out this video he made:

Oh, to have a life where all you are worried about is getting some “Sweet’ n Low.”

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So, I found this old advertisement for “vitamins”, that gave housewives “super energy”………. and it it hilarious.

I’m thinking, “I need those vitamins”, as it seems I just don’t have the energy to  “shampoo the carpet, give the dog a bath, clean out the garage, go through all the closets and get rid of extra “stuff”, clean the baseboards, dust the lamps and fans, weed the flower gardens….all that besides the everyday stuff of cooking, cleaning, laundry,and basic pick up and put away things that everyone else didn’t put away.”

Oh....the good ol' days!

What do you suppose was in those vitamins?  I’m sure today they are “illegal”…..oh well.

Any thoughts?

 

 

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